"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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