I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
