I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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