You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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