I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
