I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
