just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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