oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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