Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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