Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
