In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
