Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
