Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
