i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i need some magic done to my vagina
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
