ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
