theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
