oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
