Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
