I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
