dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
