She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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