Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
