How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
