u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The beer is more important than you right now.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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