Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
