True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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