dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize