im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
