help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
