you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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