Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
