my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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