I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
