My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
