We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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