In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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