ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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