Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
