There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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