i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
