Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize