I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
