I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
