Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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