Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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