i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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