He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
