living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
