He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize