I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
