I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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