I'm going to jail i love you
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize