a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
