I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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