the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
