I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize