well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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