so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
