It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
