dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
